Deadly Dares
by Edfan -Retired
Summary: When Master Hand is low on funds, he reluctantly signs the SSBB crew over to a wealthy man. When he turns the Smashers' lives up-side-down with a dangerous reality TV show, they must ban together to survive. Not an actual ToD fic.
1. A New Job

**_HEY! READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE FIRST!_**

**Okay, first of all, this is **_**NOT**_** a Truth or Dare fiction; so if you bother submitting dares, you'll look like a complete dumbass in front of everyone, so don't. Are we clear? Good.**

**Secondly, if you haven't read Crazy in Command yet, do so if you want to understand how the story starts. If you're here for the pure, unadulterated humor and don't care how this story starts... You may want to read that too, since it'll give you a good laugh. I swear it!**

**Thirdly (if that's a word), this is not to insult anyone's Truth or Dare fiction. In all honesty, one of my favorite fictions was a Truth or Dare fic (until its untimely deletion). This is to poke fun at the, somewhat overused, idea of Truth or Dare fics. Thank you very much.**

**Deadly Dares**

**Chapter 1: A New Job**

"No, no, no!" Master Hand insisted. "This cannot be right! Our bill is 20,000 Smash Coins more than last month's!" He stared fearfully at his bill, which totaled to 27,752 smash coins, more than it has ever been before. This bill was actually a total of the medical, food, water, electric, and all other bills combined into one. But 27,752 coins was too much for a single month!

The Yellow Alloy walked up to him and beeped a bit. Master Hand's unreadable expression then became one of embarrassment. "Oh right... I left Crazy Hand in charge and he destroyed the mansion..." He realized.

After Master Hand's very unwise decision, the mansion had to repaired, and the Smashers all needed therapy or surgery, in some cases, both. More psychiatrists got called up that day than any other day in history. The giant hand sighed. "Well, we still have the vault." He said, trying to find a positive in the situation.

He floated out of his office, three doors down to the Smash Mansion vault, where he kept any excess profits from tournaments or fundraisers. It was a very large, silver safe, nearly 3 times the size of Master Hand himself. Last he checked, he had more than 50,000 smash coins in the vault. He never expected to Smash Brothers tournaments to be such a success.

He put in the combination lock, ready to pay off his hefty debt. He managed to get the code right as he opened up the shiny door. To his greatest disappointment however...

The vault was totally bare of any money!

**"CRRRRAAAAAAZZZY!"**

Master Hand's fierce bellow was heard throughout the entire universe, accidentally starting a civil war in Hyrule, causing all the mushrooms to wither and die in the Mushroom Kingdom, and causing several masses of land to break apart in the Poke'mon universe, which later became a new area in the next Poke'mon game.

Crazy Hand bashed in through the nearest window. "Yes ma'am?" He crazily said.

"Where is all the money in the safe?" Master Hand asked, panic evident in his voice.

"Well," Crazy Hand began. "I was floating around Smashville with my pet Burning Lion, right? So I walked past this alley and this small, green penguin wearing a pink sweater asked me 'Hey, you love your pet, right?' Then I said 'Yes, I do!' Then he said, 'What if I were to show your pet the amazing world of deliciousness?' and I said 'sure!' and then he handed me a can of lion food and said 'this amazing creation will let your pet enter eternal bliss as he takes bite after bite of this organic, 100% natural, super-healthy lion food! Only 50,000 smash coins per can!' So I said I'd take one. I teleported to the mansion, took the 50 thousand, then gave him the coins, since I thought you would have understood pets and wanted the best for them. A couple days later I went to the super market and I saw the same can on sale for 5 smash coins, but I thought it was just a cheap knock-off. The end!"

Master Hand only stared at Crazy Hand gravely. He had traded 50,000 smash coins... for a single can of PET FOOD? A common brand too! "Now we have no money to pay the debt!" He cried. "What will I tell the smashers?"

While they got on his nerves and raised his blood pressure to the point of no return, Master Hand cared deeply for the smashers, as they were like his family in a way.

"Chillaxe, br0!" Crazy Hand said, patting his brother on the back of his... hand. "I got an idea!"

"What is it?" Master Hand asked, sniffling.

"Okay, first we'll need seven gorillas and a year's supply of cherry-flavored soda!"

"... I'm done for..."

**Later**

Now dinnertime, all the smashers were eating and talking, unaware of the serious situation that Master Hand was going through.

"I just got a letter from home! My kingdom is going through a massive famine!" Peach said, scanning her letter after sitting down at her usual table.

"Is it a coincidence that my kingdom split into two factions at the same moment yours went into a famine?" Zelda asked, who was reading a similar letter.

The dining room had 6 tables, all quite large, and plenty of chairs for each one. In the center of the room, was a stage, often used for the Alloy team to play music or for announcements.

Master Hand uneasily floated up onto the stage. "Can I have your attention, everyone?" He said nervously.

The conversation died down as all eyes averted to Master Hand.

"Due to... _recent events_," he said, glaring at Crazy Hand. "We cannot pay our bill for this month. I'm afraid that the tax collector will come and-"

"TAX COLLECTOR!" King Dedede yelled in fear. "THAT MEANS CRAZY HAND DID SOMETHING STUPID AND NOW WE'RE ALL SCREWED! PANIC!"

Suddenly, the whole smasher community broke out into fear and screamed and cried. Even the fearless Meta Knight and Snake were trembling in their shoes at the mention of the hated man.

"SAVE US!"

"MY LIFE IS OVER!"

"I'M TOO SEXY TO BE PENNILESS!"

"THAT MAN WILL ROB ME OF MY EVERYTHING! EVEN MY _VIRGINITY!_"

"Settle down! Please!" Master Hand begged. "Stop now or I'll leave Crazy Hand in charge again!"

All the Smashers stopped in freeze-frame, many of them stuck in stupid poses such as Ike with a pot over his head, Donkey Kong punching Captain Falcon in the groin, and Sonic giving Ness a wedgie. The mere mention of the words "Crazy Hand" and "charge" in the same sentence were enough to strike even MORE paralyzing fear into the smashers' hearts.

"Now," Master Hand said, more gently this time. "I will be out tomorrow, all day to find a job we can fill in. Until then someone under my decision will be in charge."

"Please don't put Crazy Hand in charge again!" Diddy Kong pleaded. "I still haven't fully recovered from the fact I was transformed into a jar of diseased urine! The urine wasn't even _mine_!"

"I do not intend to." Master Hand vowed. "I will leave the more sensible, Alloy Team in charge."

The Red Alloy walked up to the podium and waved. It beeped several times, leaving the smashers confused on what it said.

"He said, 'It's great to be here, everyone. I hope we can have a mutual respect of one another.'" Snake translated.

Everyone, including the Alloys, stared at Snake as if he was Crazy Hand.

"What? I'm a master of 6 languages, one of them being robot." He said simply.

Ignoring that statement, Master Hand took the podium again. "Please try not to panic. I will find us jobs... somewhere." He said.

This seemed to calm the smashers down, as they continued to uneasily eat their food and quietly talk.

"Good day to you all." The hand said, floating from the stage. He looked at the four Alloys, one of each color. "I trust you all can handle these smashers?"

They nodded, giving Master Hand some relief. "Whatever comes our way, we will prevail." He said bravely. Crazy Hand then threw a toaster at Master Hand while he wasn't looking. Before Master Hand had time to turn around, Crazy Hand swapped places with Luigi with his awesome powers of teleportation.

Master Hand turned around to see the culprit, Luigi. "You..." He said menacingly.

"It wasn't-a me!" Luigi pleaded.

Since Master Hand was quite upset with all that has recently happened, he punished Luigi by stuffing him inside a large box filled with nothing but rabid ninja bunnies until morning. That was not a good birthday for the plumber.

**The Next Day**

Master Hand floated around the busy town of Smashville. There plenty of rich folk, so finding a job from them wouldn't be that hard, right?

Wrong.

All of the wealthy did not need any assistance. Master Hand offered the Smashers as bodyguards, workers, even slaves, but they all turned him down. He was at wit's end. He was going to lose everything he held dear to him. He sighed as he glumly started his trek back to the mansion.

A man from the crowd however, noticed the hand. He snapped his fingers, an idea in his head. He dressed in a suit and pair of pants, made only from the finest materials on the planet. Many expensive rings adored his fingers, and a gold watch was on his left wrist. His tanned skin was complimented by his black, well-kept hair, in a similar fashion to Marth's. He smirked as he ran towards the hand. Once he got into range, he called out to him. "Sir Master Hand!"

Master Hand instantly turned around to see the man. "Hello."

The man extended his hand for a shake. "My name is Kael. Kael Goldmin." He greeted. "I come because I have an enticing offer for you."

Master Hand would have nodded, but shook the man's hand instead. "Involving the smashers, am I correct?"

"Yes indeed!" Kael said over-enthusiastically. "You see, I have a dream. Get a bunch of celebrities together and set off the most explosive, most epic thrill ride of the century! However, I need one that can appeal to both a young fanbase, as well as an older one. And who's better at getting fans, young and old, than the famous Smash Brothers?"

Master Hand nodded his non-existent head. "Well, I suppose that makes sense. But we still need to go over other things."

"Well," Kael said. "I have my own studio not far from here. Plus, they only have to show up one time a week, so that'll be much more convenient for you all."

"Hmm..." Master Hand said. "And how much does this job pay?"

"I'm a very wealthy man," Kael said. "If you do agree to my offer, I'll pay you 25,000 smash coins on the spot. For every show we do, I'll pay you an additional 5,000 smash coins. Of course, the smashers will get their fair share too."

"Finally, I must ask what this show is all about." Master Hand asked.

"Everyone always wants to see their favorite celebrity do something ridiculous, or start a new relationship, or do something awful to someone they know. So, I incorporated that idea in a Truth or Dare format." Kael replied. "The audience tells a smasher what to do, they follow their order."

Master Hand would have bit his lip if he had one. His thoughts ran to what sort of dispicable things the fans would do, but he was desperate. After a while of thinking, he cleared the lump in his non-existant throat and said, "Very well."

Kael reached into his pocket to pull out a contract and pen. "I'll need both yours and Crazy Hand's signature."

Master Hand reluctantly signed the paper. "Crazy!" He called out.

Again, Crazy Hand appeared, this time in an explosion of confetti. However, instead of the usual confetti, Jordan almonds appeared instead. "That's the original confetti!" He cackled.

"I need you to sign here." Kael said, giving Crazy Hand the paper.

Crazy Hand looked at the paper, reading it to the fullest in a dignified manner. "Yup! I can swiss the cheese of the magical ponies and pencils!" He said randomly, signing the document with the pen.

"Thank you," Kael said. He rolled up the contract, took out a checkbook, then took the pen back from Crazy Hand. "I'll throw in an extra three grand, just because I like this guy." He said, pointing at Crazy Hand. He wrote a bit in one check, tore it out, then gave it to Master Hand. "Twenty-eight thousand Smash Coins."

Master Hand would have kissed the check, but he had no lips. "Thank you!"

"No, no, thank _you_." Kael insisted. "You two and the Smashers shall arrive to my studio at 5 P.M. tomorrow." He wrote on the back of another check the address to his studio.

"We appreciate this." Master Hand thanked. "Come along Crazy Hand."

Crazy Hand gave Kael a thumbs up before vanishing in an explosion of pink smoke. When it cleared, a random pumpkin was left in his place. Master Hand took his leave next, heading towards the mansion.

Kael smirked evilly as the hand was out of sight. "Yes... thank you _very_ much..."

**Later... Again...**

"Can I have your attention everyone?" Master Hand said. Once again, dinner was being served. It was easiest to give everyone the announcements when dinner was served, as they would conveniently all be in one place at the moment.

The smashers' conversations faded as all eyes aimed at Master Hand.

"I am happy to announce that I have been able to pay the debts, so no tax collector shall harass us tonight."

Suddenly, many cheers and shouts came from the crowd. Many of them raised their glasses at the statement. Snake pressed a button on his remote, which caused a piñata to drop from the ceiling, hanging on by a thread. Streamers were flung into the air as Peach brought a giant, chocolate cake from the kitchen with "**BURN IN HELL, TAX COLLECTOR**" written on it in purple frosting. Captain Falcon came into the room with a boombox and a few stereos and started playing loud dancing music. The peaceful dinner turned into an exciting party as a conga line was being formed.

Yes, the tax collector was _that _hated.

"STOP!" Master Hand yelled into the microphone. The music stopped and the smashers were, once again, freeze-framed into stupid-looking poses. "However, I expect you all to be in the lobby at 4:30 P.M. tomorrow. Is that clear?"

"Yes Master Hand." The Smashers all said in unison.

"Good... You may continue your party."

Suddenly, the music turned back on and the conga line continued to move. The piñata (and Ike's groin) was hit many times by the stick, letting candy, toys, and tax refunds spill out for all to enjoy (only out of the first one, thankfully).

Crazy Hand randomly teleported next to Master Hand in an explosion of cupcakes, which the children greedily fought over. "DOOD!" He said. "I GOTTA TELL JUU SOMETIN'!"

Master Hand, who was taking part in the festivities, sighed. "What is it?"

"You know that contract, the one that we signed legally to forever bind ourselves and the smashers to whatever trap we are going to fall for since contracts are usually considered to be death-sentences in most media outlets?" Crazy Hand asked.

"Umm... Yes..." Master Hand said. He wouldn't admit it, but he only skimmed through the contract. The document was too long, letters too small, could you really blame him for skimming through it?

"Oh, okay." Crazy replied calmly. "Well, I was just making sure you knew that you signed it."

"So why did you- nevermind." Master Hand knew he would never get straight answers from Crazy Hand, so he decided to just drop the topic and have fun.

**Later... Again, again...**

Now midnight, the party was over, the smashers were happy, and unspeakable substances were being cleaned off of the floor.

"I sense something... disturbingly foreign." Lucario said gravely after the party. "No wait... that's just Bowser's vomit." Using his aura abilities, he raised the unsanitary substance and placed it into the garbage can.

Everyone was cleaning up the dining hall. Since there were 35 people repairing the damage, it wouldn't take long until they were done with the cleaning. Captain Falcon tore his stereo system down and took it back to his room, Kirby inhaled any leftover food that was dropped onto the floor, and Olimar sent his Pikmin out to clean up the garbage everywhere. Everyone else continued to clean and collect garbage. They conversed amongst one another as they worked.

"You know," Marth said to Pit. "Captain Falcon has surprisingly good taste in music." He recalled "Time in a Bottle" being played, despite how out-of-place that was compared to many other songs in Captain Falcon's songlist.

Pit nodded, picking up a candy wrapper. "I'd like to get a copy of that one song he had in there... 'Accidentally in Love' was it?"

"HA!" Falco laughed, joining into the conversation. "You honestly liked that one? Please! 'Poker Face' actually fit with the party."

"Lady Gaga's just another corrupt Hollywood icon that the music industry is forcing on us!" Ganondorf replied, joining into the heated debate. This turned a few heads. "If anything, 'Treat Her Like a Lady' was worthy of being on that setlist."

Soon, the four smashers started to argue and squabble, soon resorting to physical violence, using chairs, bowling balls, gallons of milk, seaweed, and other random items to beat the living crap out of one another. Soon, Jigglypuff and Wolf joined the brawl, just because they had nothing better to do. Said items were supplied by Crazy Hand, who had the uncanny ability to make objects out of thin air.

Meanwhile, the Snake and Wario were having a game of chess to pass the time.

"Can I go here?"

"No."

"How about here?"

"No."

"What about _here_?"

"No. Then my rook will take out your King."

"Okay... HAH! How'd that?"

"Check."

"You know your Queen is missing the top piece, right?"

"I know, Wario."

"Okay... BAM! Hahaha! Try and beat that! Your headless queen is DEAD!"

"Checkmate."

"WHAT? Impossible! How about I go here?"

"My pawn will kill your king."

"Here?"

"Knight."

"_Here?_"

"Your own pawn is in the way."

"GAAAHH!" Wario then ate the chess board in frustration. "I HATE THINKING!"

Snake groaned desperately. "I'll just play with Samus next time... And you owe me ten coins for that chess set."

"NEVER!" Wario hissed. He got into a battle stance. "I shall never pay a debt to anyon- HACK!" He was interrupted when Snake started to choke him.

Elsewhere, Peach was cleaning under the tables. She curiously looked at one peculiar object. It was a round, green ball that could be held in her hand. She picked it up and inspected it. "Eww!" Peach cried, throwing the object back onto the ground. It started to grow some hair and a pair of eyes.

Mario immediately rushed over to the damsel in distress. "What-a is it?"

"KILL IT! KILL IT!" Peach demanded. She latched onto Mario's neck, grabbing her frying pan and menacingly pointed at the mutant object.

"DON'T!" Crazy Hand screeched, floating at inhumane speeds to defend the object. "This is no ordinary mutant-like, gooey, green, object of no real origin! It's my new Fuzzmonkey!"

Link and Zelda decided to join into the conversation after overhearing it. "A what?" Zelda asked.

"A Fuzzmonkey!" Crazy Hand repeated. The 'fuzzmonkey' jumped on top of Crazy Hand, then started to bleed purple ooze. "See? It's going through camoflaugution!"

"I think that's 'metamorphosis.'" Zelda corrected. She knew 'camoflaugution' wasn't a real word, but it was like Crazy Hand to invent words.

Crazy then through a brick at her for correcting her. But thanks to her Sheikiah training, Zelda reacted quickly by ducking her head. "Ha!"

The brick hit the wall behind her and, as if made of rubber, bounced back to hit her in the back of the head, knocking her out. Being her bodyguard/boyfriend, Link quickly rushed to her aid. "Why did you do that?" Link questioned angrily.

Crazy responded by throwing an octopus at the Hylian. It latched onto Link's face, unwilling to let go thanks to its suction-cup like things on the tentacles.

"GET IT OFF!" He screamed, attempting to pull the sea creature off his face. "HELP!"

Ike was the first to respond. He quickly ran up to Link and punched the octopus where Link's nose should be.

"Ow!" Poor Link yelled.

"I'll save you, big me!" Toon Link heroically sang. He tackled the bigger Link to the ground. Now standing on the normal Link's chest, Toon Link grabbed the octopus and pulled with all his might using Link's chest as leverage, breaking a few of Link's ribs. It didn't work.

"You idiots," Bowser sighed. "You don't get an octopus off like that. You need to think. This thing won't come off from brute force. You need precise aiming and timing plus the proper tools to get this delicate creature off one's face... CALAMARI!" Without warning, he then belched fire onto Link's downed body. Link set on fire, but the octopus _still_ refused to come off.

"I'M ON FIRE!" Link, unable to see, ran around in panic to find the nearest water source. He unknowingly dunked his head into a pot of some kind of liquid. Unknown to him, it was a pot filled with gasoline.

**BOOM!**

The explosion caused by the gasoline finally caused the octopus to detach not out of pain, but out of annoyance. Link, now completely black from the soot, clumsily walked up to Bowser, putting a hand on his shoulder for support.

"Thanks Bowser." Link said dazedly, falling to the ground unconscious. Coincidentally, he landed right next to Zelda.

"Anytime!" Bowser said proudly.

"Nrrgh..." Zelda groaned as she awoke. "What happened?"

Crazy Hand then dropped a computer on Zelda's head, knocking her out... again.

"Where do you get all these-a random items?" Mario asked honestly.

Crazy threw a watermelon at the plumber, who was tragically hit in the face.

Meta Knight walked into the room to see Marth, Pit, Falco, Ganondorf, Jigglypuff, and Wario beating each other up with blunt objects over choice of music, Snake breaking Wario's neck for refusing to pay him, Crazy Hand cuddling with the bleeding Fuzzmonkey, Zelda and Link half-dead on the floor, Peach being scared out of her mind by Crazy's Fuzzmonkey, Mario covered in watermelon, many random objects on the ground, and a stray octopus waiting for the next bus to the coast.

"What did I miss?"

**Alright! First chappie is up. How's that for randomness and humor? Hmm? Let me get your opinion/review/hatred of my guts! Wait... I don't like that last one...**

**Anyways, this is more or less of an introduction chapter. The next one is where all the "dares" start coming into play, so stay tuned! ^_^**

**-SK signing out.**


	2. First Bloody Dares

**Curse you, severe Author's Block! Anyways, this fiction does not plan on dying, so if you see this inactive for a while, blame the author's block.**

**Crazy Hand: AND THE AUTHOR!**

**Also, Crazy Hand will be... erm, "assisting" me with any announcements related to this fiction. Also, check out the profile for updates, random polls, and any info you'd want to know.**

**Crazy Hand: And today's random poll is the Food Debate! Which do YOU prefer? Oreos or bacon? Vote now or I shall unleash a swarm of man-eating cantalopes on your mother!**

**Chapter 2: First Blood(y Dares)**

Now back in her room, Zelda fixed her hair in silence. Sleeping on the floor last night did a number on her back and bent her hair out of shape. She was told early that morning that she and Link were knocked out for the entire night.

That was not exactly what she imagined when she first thought about her and Link "sleeping together."

Still, today was a new day. She finally stopped brushing her long, brown hair and headed out the door. She did, however, want to keep a good distance away from Crazy Hand. She could still feel the two painful bumps on her head from the brick and computer.

However, as soon as she opened the door, Crazy Hand was waiting right there, brick armed with a murderous look in his... hand. "YOU SHALL PAY FOR INSULTING FUZZMONKEY!" He screamed.

Immediately, she shut the door, heart racing. She locked the door and could hear Crazy Hand pounding on the door, who desperately wanted to draw her blood.

Without thinking, she teleported out of the room and into Link's room. Link instantly shot awake from the sound of her teleporting. He didn't usually sleep after waking up, but he was still tired. It's hard for anyone to sleep on a cold, hard floor after you've been punched, stepped on, fried, then blown up.

"What are you doing here?" He questioned sleepily.

"No time! Barricade door!" She responded. With very surprising strength, she pushed Link's bed all the way up to the door in an attempt to keep Crazy Hand from coming in. She then grabbed a nearby drawer and placed it in front of the door as well. She placed another drawer, several antique vases, a flower, and a pencil in front of the door. Once secure the door was blocked, she jumped into Link's bed and hid under the covers in fear. "Save me!" She pleaded, clinging onto Link for dear life.

Unsure what exactly to do, Link placed a pair of comforting arms around her. "Umm... It'll be alright?"

Meanwhile, in Zelda's room, Crazy Hand managed to penetrate the door by smashing it open with his ring finger. He entered with his brick. "Aha!" He opened up Zelda's drawers and took out a thong (Wait... what?). "NOW YOUR TIME HAS COME!" He teleported to a random train and threw the small clothing into the furnace. He then left as if nothing had happened.

**Later**

After talking to her for 3 hours, Link finally managed to get Zelda's Crazy Hand phobia out of her head. Actually, he didn't really talk to her. He just started to make out with her until she forgot why she was so scared. And even after that, they continued to make out for who knows how long.

All hot, passionate, somewhat creepy romance aside, the day went out normally. The smashers laughed, conversed, got attacked by Crazy Hand and his legion of monkeys, but that's another story. The day lazily dragged on until it was 4:30 P.M.

"Everyone," Master Hand said over the intercom. "Report to the lobby immediately." He was currently in his office, readying himself for the show.

Suddenly, Ness burst into his office. "Master Hand," He said. "There's a guy in an expensive-looking suit waiting for you in the lobby."

"That's odd." Master Hand spoke. Why would Kael be coming to the mansion? "I'll see him immediately."

Master Hand made his way to the lobby. Indeed, Kael was there, with the same clothing as they day they met. Another thing he noticed is that many workers were bringing props into the building. "Mr. Goldmin," Master Hand called out, floating up to Kael. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Well," Kael said. "I thought it would be much more convenient for us if we set up the studio and staged the show at the mansion. We cannot afford it if they are late. I'm merely taking precautionary measures."

Master Hand thought for a moment. "I guess that is understandable. I think there's a room where you can set up. The old stadium would be suitable."

Kael nodded. "Everyone" He yelled. "Follow me. Our venue's this way."

Master Hand led the group to the old stadium on the 5th floor. Master Hand abandoned this room in favor of an outdoor stadium in Brawl. The inside was dark, but had plenty of fluorescent lights to keep the area well illuminated. A set of bleachers sat in the background, for those to watch those who trained. Several windows littered the walls.

"Perfect!" Kael said, admiring the view. "Bring it in, fellas!"

Many props soon decorated the room. Cameras were set up and a red rope was hung. They were ready for their first airing.

"How did you even _get _the show to start so quickly? It's been only a day." Master Hand asked, curious on the sudden resources.

"The Smash Brothers are a big thing," Kael replied. "Once I set up the website, 7 different channels wanted to air it. And with my vast resources, I was able to quickly hire some help and get supplies."

"I see." Master Hand said. "I'll get the smashers now."

Master Hand looked all around for each smasher. He had 30 minutes, so it wouldn't be that hard. He quickly found Ness, Lucas, Jigglypuff, Pikachu, Diddy Kong, and the Ice climbers outside, playing in the backyard, being chaperoned by Peach and Mario. Not long after that, he found Samus and Snake playing with Snake's new chess set. Wario eventually gave in to Snake's constant neck breaking that night.

Fox and Falco were found next, pointlessly arguing with each other after they locked themselves out of their room (again). Kirby and Yoshi were caught red-handed with a majority of last night's cake leftovers. It became _very _awkward when Master Hand and his group walked in on Link and Zelda, who were stripped down to the bare minimum of clothing as they kissed ("So _that's _why Zelda had thongs." Crazy mentioned afterwards.). It remains a mystery how Master Hand managed to open up the door while the heavy bed, drawers, and priceless vases was in the way.

Wario, who now wore a neck brace, was found next. Luigi, Sonic, Ike, Marth, Red, Lucario, Pit, and Toon Link were playing some kind of game called "Run-Away-From-Crazy-Hand's-Legion-Of-Monkeys-Before-They-Brutally-Maul-You-To-Death" when they were found. It was not-so easilly abbreviated **R.A.F.C.H.L.O.M.B.T.B.M.Y.T.D**.

Eventually, the rest of the smashers turned up and were heading towards the studio.

"Here they are." Master Hand announced as his group walked in. It was now 4:55, five minutes until airing.

Kael nodded. "Finally. You all shall be in the middle of the room."

"I need to pay off the debt," Master Hand announced. "I'll be back in my office after the show." He took his leave.

"Why are there a bunch of fans in the bleachers?" Captain Falcon asked, pointing to the bleachers. Indeed, about a hundred fans sat in it, cheering wildly and screaming at the sight of the smashers. Three of them fell into a coma from the mere sight of the smashers in the flesh, and one of them died from a heart attack.

"They're the audience." Kael replied. "Don't get too close to them. Treat them like you would rabid lions."

But it was too late. Marth accidentally wandered too close to the bleachers and the fangirls grabbed him. They pulled him into the mob and started collecting his valuables, such as his tiara, shirt, cape, and for some reason, a head of lettuce in his back pocket.

"Somebody-a do something!" Luigi stammered.

Samus sighed. "Fine." She pulled out her paralyzer and shot a whip into the crowd. It managed to wrap around Marth who was being kissed and hugged by many of the fangirls. With a sudden, strong yank, Samus pulled Marth out of the group. Marth, now covered in many bruises and lipstick marks, had several holes in his clothing and was on the verge of passing out.

"I owe you one." Marth said, spitting out a tooth.

"Come on, people!" Kael shouted. "We're live in 30 seconds!"

"Well, what do we do?" King Dedede asked, helping Link unwrap Marth from the laser-whip.

"Simple," Kael replied. "When I call out some dares, you must do them if you were mentioned. If I call out a truth, tell it."

One camera man counted down. "We're live in 5...4...3...2...1!"

Suddenly, theme song played for about 10 seconds until it faded, audience cheering wildly.

"Welcome to the first episode of **Deadly Dares**!" Kael announced over enthusiastically. The smashers uneasily looked at one another at the mention of the word "Deadly."

Kael laughed as the audience cheered even louder, eventually stopping to let him continue. "Our rules are simple. We pick a handful of dares you submitted to us through our website. Whichever smasher you decide gets dared will have to do their dare, no matter the cost. If you give them a truth, they'll have to spill the beans! Okay, let's get started! Here, we have a few dares submitted by Mellisa."

Kael walked up to an electronic board planted onto the wall.

"I do not having a good feeling about this..." Olimar whispered.

Upon the electronic board, a list of, somewhat gruesome dares was visible.

**Ike: Break Marth's back with a hammer.**

**Kirby: Swallow everyone's' weapons.**

**King Dedede: Go an entire week without food.**

**Wario: Same thing, fatty.**

**Samus: Which boy of all the smashers do you **_**like **_**like?**

"Uh..." Pit interrupted. "Half of those seem kind of lethal, especially that last one." If there was one thing all the boys of the Smash Mansion knew, is that angry Samus, was _murderous _Samus.

Kael nodded. "I know. But you guys are bound by contract to do it."

"But I'm not going to crush Marth with a hammer!" Ike shouted. "That's inhumane."

"However," Kael smirked. "You haven't seen the best part yet! If you refuse to do a dare, you'll take a spin on the 'Wheel of Misfortune.'" He pointed at a game-show type wheel. There were 10 separate sections, each with a gruesome torture on it, such as being lit on fire, decapitation, disease, and others. "Whatever you land on decides your fate!"

Ike gulped. "I'm sorry Marth..."

"I hate you." Marth grumbled darkly.

"It's not my fault!" Ike defended.

"No, I'm talking about Mellisa."

King Dedede handed Ike his hammer and shoved Marth to the ground. "Good luck."

Ike regretfully pulled the hammer back, then smashed forward, making very nasty crack sounds come out of Marth's back.

"AARGGHH!" Marth yelled, completely paralyzed.

Many of the smashers and audience winced or closed their eyes when Ike brought the hammer down. However, some audience members grinned wickedly as the hammer made contact. Sadists or Marth-haters, most likely.

As if they were waiting for the tragedy to happen, two paramedics came in with a stretcher, making "WEE-WOO" sounds the entire way. They place Marth on the stretcher, and carried him off.

"You're next Kirby." Kael said, looking back at the board.

Kirby shrugged with his non-existant shoulders. With a huge suction, he sucked up Link's sword, Ike's sword, Pit's blade, King Dedede's hammer, Snake's many guns, Peach's Toad, Diddy's peanut popguns, and everyone else's' many objects.

"My sword!"

"That bastard puffball!"

"CURSE YOU MELLISA! CURSE YOU KAEL! CURSE YOU DARES!"

"Gimmie back my hammer!"

"My autographed Micheal Jackson album! Noo!"

Kirby looked back at the board, which specified that he needed to _swallow _the items. With a massive gulp, he swallowed everyone's possessions. However, due to the fact that he ate more than one special item, he started to sparkle and everything else turned dark. After about 10 seconds, he became...

Sleep Kirby!

Kirby, now with his green sleepcap, looked around. He blinked twice then fell asleep, drool already sliding down his mouth.

"Get him!"

Kael laughed heartedly as he watched a majority of the smashers beat Kirby to near-death. "This show is going to be a hit!" He thought.

"Quick," Link yelled. "Shove me into his mouth!"

Ganondorf needed no further commands. He grabbed Link by his shirtfront and smashed him into the still-sleeping Kirby's mouth. After about a minute, Meta Knight's sword came out of Kirby's mouth.

**17.5 seconds later**

"How much junk is in that thing?" Ness questioned, as a lemon tree was flung out of Kirby's mouth. It landed in a pile filled with various other objects, such as an anvil, a basket ball, a live turtle, several Poke'balls, a jet-plane and other things.

"I'm serious," Link called from the puffball. "Finding everyone's stuff in here is harder than having to traverse through the dungeons I've been in. Wait, what the hell are zombies doing here? GAHH!"

Zelda uneasily looked around. "Can someone please go in there and make sure he's okay?"

Lucario sighed. "Fine." He opened up Kirby's mouth and entered the dungeon.

"While they're gone," Kael interrupted. "We'll need to continue on with the show..."

**Dare 27**

By now, the smashers have done many dares. Link and Lucario have yet to return from Kirby's bottomless stomach and Marth was now back, but now in a cast. Samus revealed that she didn't like the men in the mansion at all, whatsoever. She found them either too hard-headed (Ike took offence), too feminine (Marth took offence), or too idiotic (everyone else took offence), and Wario and King Dedede began their fast. And of course there were a few painful dares, but nothing _too _serious.

"Well Sonic, you're going to have to keep your feet in that lava for 30 minutes!" Kael said, disturbingly enthusiastic.

"IT BURNS!" Sonic cried, his feet residing in a bucket filled with molten-hot lava. Ganondorf and Bowser held him down.

Well, except for that.

"Let's get onto our next dares from Kyle." Kael announced, turning to the electronic board once more.

After seeing that none of the dares involved them, Mario, Luigi, Toon Link, Ike, and Snake started a group meeting.

"This is not good..." Ike began.

Mario nodded. "This is-a abuse."

Toon Link winced as he saw Pikachu get chomped by a large dragon that had somehow gotten into the mansion. "Yeah. We need to get Master Hand to fix this!"

"After we finish today's show, we'll see him immediately." Snake continued.

Before anyone else could say or do anything else, a gang of yodelers burst through the door.

"YOH-DLAY HEEEE-HOOO!" They sang, playing accordions. The music was awful, life-threatening even. The smashers groaned and yelled, attempting to close their ears in vain.

"Turn it off!"

"Kill me now!"

"My ears are bleeding! Literally!"

"Stop bleeding! That's very unattractive!"

"Silence that ungodly music!"

"Curse the day I was born!"

"I MUST **DESTROOOY!**"

"Lucas, calm down..."

Luckily for the audience, Kael had provided earmuffs beforehand. They all laughed at the smashers' misfortune, enjoying seeing them do stupid things out of pure irritation and annoyance from the unholy music.

**One commercial brake later**

Ike casually washed the blood off of his sword. He and many other smashers brutally slayed the yodelers. Luckily (for Kael), a commercial brake was going on when the bloodbath commenced, so no MA rated violence was committed on screen.

"Much better," Ike said to himself, inspecting his sword for any remaining yodeler blood or lederhosen scraps.

"And we're back!" A camera man called out.

Kirby awoke and finally belched Link up, hacking and coughing. "Poyo!" He then barfed up Lucario next.

"Link!" Zelda ran up to the downed hero as fast as she could. "Are you alright?"

Link was bruised and beaten, with several tears in his outfit. He coughed up a tooth and said, "Not really..."

Zelda tried to lift him into a more comfortable position, but due to the absurd amount of equipment he carries, he seemed to weigh more than a tank.

Ignoring the distressing situation, Kael faced his camera. "Well, I do think that's all for today. Join us next week in 'Deadly Dares.' Be sure to send in your own dares!"

The theme song played as the audience and smashers clapped. Though, the latter clapped mainly because the torture was over.

After a few more minutes, the crew and audience left, leaving Kael with the unhappy smashers.

Kael turned to them with a calm smile. "So, how'd you like your first day on the job?"

"We quit!" They all said at once.

"I'm afraid that's not possible," Kael replied. "Master Hand and Crazy Hand signed a contract, binding you to me. So I say, you _cannot _quit."

"Contracts..." Peach grumbled. "Why must it always be contracts?"

"We can just leave you know," Fox said. "The door's right there. We can kick you out of here too and tear that contract to shreds."

Kael shook his head. "That is not possible." His eyes started to glow a blood-red color. A force lifted him off the ground as he started to float. Energy circled around him as he summoned a whip of gold-colored fire.

He whipped forward, not intending to hit anything. But as it crackled, it caused metal bars to form around all the windows and doors leading to the outside world. This was no ordinary human.

"Let me show you why it'd be a grave mistake to oppress me." He looked at the crowd, trying to find a victim. "_You_."

He whipped towards the crowd, wrapping the fiery weapon around Wario. Before anyone could react, the evil man yanked Wario to him, still trapped within the weapon. Kael grinned evilly as he charged a bolt of black magic in his hand. After about a second, he launched it at Wario at point-blank range. When the smoke subsided, all that was left was a skeleton.

Most of the Smashers got into battle positions, ready to defeat this evil man. As if taking it as a challenge, Kael chanted a few words in some forgotten language. Black-bolts of chaotic energy struck the crowd, killing them all instantly.

Kael smirked. He then whispered a few more words to no one in particular. Golden sparks came from his whip, each one heading towards a smasher. Each spark reincarnated a smasher with some kind of odd magic, repairing any damages done to them.

"You can either choose to rebel and die... repeatedly; or you can choose to accept the fact you belong to _me_. I believe we have an understanding of one another." Kael said, grinning evilly. "You are dismissed." He vanished a cloud of smoke, leaving the bewildered smashers alone.

**1 hour, 6 minutes, and 23 and a half seconds later**

The Smashers were allowed to continue their regular activities when the show ended. Several were already panicking again, while others were totally unaffected, possibly from already being in situations of dying constantly (Ganondorf, Mr. Game and Watch, Yoshi, etc.).

Meanwhile, a group of smashers, Mario, Luigi, Peach, Samus, Link, Zelda, Ike, Toon Link, Kirby, Fox, Falco, Captain Falcon, and Snake were on their way to Master Hand's office to fill in a complaint about the show and the host's murderous abilities.

They made their way to the front office, only to be blocked by Crazy Hand in front of the door.

"Password please." He demanded, wearing a rainbow party hat on each finger.

"'Password.'" Mario replied.

"Correct!" Crazy Hand would have blinked if he could. "But your toiletries are no match for cheesecakes!" He then disappeared, leaving a toilet and a cheesecake behind. They then came to life.

"You!" Said the toilet, pointing an accusing finger of water at the cake. "You shall pay for disgracing the art of urination!"

"Oh yeah?" Mocked the cheesecake. It (somehow) then drew a sword beam. "Come at me, coward!"

The toilet drew its own sword. "FOR SOVIET RUSSIA!" It screamed. The swords clanked and swiped as the two objects continued to fight.

"This does not surprise me." Fox said calmly. Indeed, the smashers had very, unsurprised looks on their faces as they watched the objects fight. "Let's just get Master Hand to fix this already." The smashers calmly walked into Master Hand's office as the two items continued to fight, accompanied by several banjo-playing monkeys.

Master Hand's office was your average everyday office... only, a giant hand was sitting/floating on the chair of the desk. A dull-green color painted the room, a few potted plants populated the corners, and a large "DO NOT EAT" sign pointed at said potted plants was firmly planted into the ground.

"Hello," Master Hand said, filing paperwork, not looking up. "What can I do for you all?"

"That Kael guy is insane!" Falco began. "He tried to murder us all on national TV!"

"International," Fox corrected.

Captain Falcon continued the conversation. "He forced us all to do embarrassing and dangerous dares, some were even life-threatening!"

"You need to stop it." Ike glared.

Master Hand sighed. "I'm sorry, but we're bound by contract to do as he says-"

"Screw the contract!" Samus shouted. "The guy isn't even human! He killed us all with some odd whip attack, then brought us to life."

Master Hand desperately looked at the mob of angry Smashers. "Look," He began. "While I can see your anger and hostility against this man, I have no say in the matter. The contract legally binds us to him. If we go against it, we'll be in deep legal trouble, and possibly end up in prison."

"Does it-a really matter?" Mario asked. "We could always-a break out. You _do _realize that three dozen smashers and two giant hands can-a easily overpower a police squadron, right?"

"But then our reputations will plummet." Snake noted.

Master Hand sighed. "I do not see why you'd want to rebel against such a nice fellow as Kael. He _is _paying you all, and because of him we are able to keep the mansion of losing it to the tax collector."

"He's a tyrant." Link convinced. "He's done nothing but sadistically harm us for wealth and power."

Before the conversation could continue on, Kirby frantically pointed towards the window, making sounds to get the others' attention. The others turned outside, which was a view of the nearby road. A truck filled with explosives was parked right next to the Smash Mansion, with Kael talking to the driver.

"Can anyone tell what they're saying?" Zelda asked, slightly pushing Luigi away to get a better look.

"Wait," Snake said. He pulled out a remote and pressed a button. A fly then came out of a small opening on the top. It flew out the window and sat on top of the truck. "I have a signal." He muttered, increasing the volume of the remote.

**"May I ask why you are ordering these explosives, Kael?"**

**"Ah yes, my new TV show is going to be needing this. Those Smashers are quite unlucky to be blown up and maimed so many times."**

**"Hahaha! I know, right? Like when Sonic got his feet dipped in molten lava? Hilarious!"**

**"Mmhmm. If you would, can you help me unload these TNT barrels into the studio? The dares are quite... **_**specific**_** when it comes to blowing people up."**

**"Not a problem, Kael. Poor Smashers..."**

**"I could care less about those ignorant fools. As long as I get my money, I'll be happy."**

The signal died. Everyone looked back to where the fly was, only to see it being carried off by a bird.

"Dammit!" Snake grumbled. "That thing cost me 30 bucks."

Link turned to the hand, ignoring the stealth agent's distress. "Now do you see that we have a problem?"

"Yes," Master Hand admitted. "But we cannot fight him, or else the contract will send us to the slammer, or _worse_."

"So," Samus summarized. "What you're saying as that we're going to get blown up, maimed, and killed repeatedly because of a greedy man's hunger for more money and power and there's nothing we can do?"

Master Hand nodded.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Well, we're screwed."

**Aaand... Scene! After a few weeks of Author's Block, I have finally managed to present to you all the 2nd chapter of this story! Think of it as my Summer-gift to you all!**

**Now if you will excuse me, I shall pass out from lack of sleep. *falls over***


	3. Drama, Dances, Dares and Dave

**Here here! Read all about it! Zelda dumps Link! Mario dances to Mamma Mia! Kirby and Yoshi start their own mini-series! Crazy Hand does Math! The villains hatch an evil scheme! Read all about it!**

**Kael: Hoo-rah... *blows noisemaker unenthusiastically***

**Crazy Hand: HOO-RAAAAAAH! *summons a pony from the Underworld* Invincible! Ride on! *jumps onto the pony* Onwards on our quest for Equestrianism! *rides off into the sunset***

**Anyways, I want to take the time to say "Thanks" for the many reviews I've gotten for this story! As 70's rock bands would say; *puts on sunglasses* You ain't seen nothin' yet!**

**Unofficially Sponsered by Google Translator! So many funny lines would have been ruined without it!**

**Chapter 3: Drama, Dances, Dares, and Dave**

The week flew by. The Smashers were kept on a tight leash by their overseer, Mr. Goldmin and the security guards posted around each corner. Thankfully, however, no security guards were stationed in the restrooms (although, there were a disturbing amount of hidden cameras in the girls' restroom)

In the town of Smashville, a group of suspicious-looking characters in gigantic trenchcoats that covered their bodies and large, fedoras that hid their faces met in a dark alley.

"Do you see anyone?" One asked.

Another kicked a nearby rat away. "All clear." He replied in a deep voice.

The characters threw off their trenchcoats, revealing themselves to be several of the Smashers; Ganondorf, Bowser, Wario, and Wolf. "Hopefully that idiot Kael's guards didn't realize we are here." Wolf murmured.

"Well, right now we're going to need a plan if we are to take control of this show." Bowser started.

Ganondorf thought for a moment, "Our combined might will not be enough to defeat Kael. Not even with the other Smashers."

Wario raised his hand like a first grader desperately in need to go to the bathroom. "Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!" He demanded. Wolf clawed Wario in the face as his way of saying "shut up".

Ganondorf thought again. "Perhaps we can draw our armies here?"

Bowser shook his head. "The mansion alone has more guards than I have Goombas. We'll never be able to amass that many troops. In fact, they have so many guards, that Kael's elite task force represents about 0.02% of the entire human population!"

Everyone stared at Bowser oddly.

Bowser sighed. "It means they have about 200,000 guards."

Wario was now jumping in the air, arms raised to get his allies' attention while making odd "WHA!" noises. This time, Ganondorf grabbed Wario by his neck, and threw him high into the air. He didn't come back down.

Ganondorf sighed in relief. "Ahh... Much better."

Suddenly, a second gang of trenchcoat-clad men walked up to the alley. They looked up towards the villains, unreadable expressions on their hidden faces.

"Shoot!" Ike's voice came from one of the men. "This place's taken."

"Quickly!" Luigi shouted. "To 43-and-a-halfth-a street!"

The disguised smashers made their escape, while the group of villains attempted to decipher what had just happened.

Just then, a foul odor filled their nostrils. They gagged and coughed at the awful smell. Wolf happened to look up into the air, seeing Wario in a fart-powered flying machine, making words in the sky with green gases. Once he finished, the words read **"HEY DUMBASSES! I HAVE AN IDEA!"**

Ganondorf groaned. "Fine," He yelled to Wario. "You can tell us your idea already!"

Wario then jumped out of his plane and happened to land on Bowser, knocking him over. "Yes!" He cheered, pumping his fist into the air. "Anyways, here's what we do; Kael has been hurting us for the sake of his dares, right?" The others nodded. "So, we'll turn it around! We'll create fake accounts to send in dares that could backfire in Kael's face!"

Ganondorf, Bowser, and Wolf all exchanged shocked glances at the fact that Wario actually said something logical. "Oh my God..." Bowser realized. "Wario making sense means the end of the world!"

Suddenly, Neptune exploded.

Back in the alley, Ganondorf nodded. "Excellent! Let's see if we can put this to the test."

Bowser interrupted. "Wait... Who says we can't have a little fun with our plan _before _we use it take down Kael?"

Ganondorf let some evil thoughts enter his mind as Wolf patted Wario on the back. "If this works, I'll buy you a Garlic Sundae."

"Thanks! But not until the end of this week, I'm still on the dare-enduced diet." Wario said.

Bowser scratched his head. "But you're still pudgy."

Wario shrugged. "I know, it kinda scares me too."

**Later**

The smashers quietly sat on their bleachers surveying the area to make sure none of the fangirls would try to jump them or something. Hundreds of fangirls filled the bleachers, screaming and shouting at the Smashers. Things became very weird and awkward when one had offered a "good time" to Mario. Said fangirl was later seen bloodied, bruised up, and in a dumpster 2 minutes later with a certain blond princess walking away with a frying pan in hand. Only one without any imagination at all couldn't figure out who had done this act.

"Camera live: 30 seconds!" The camera man called out.

The Smashers tensed, ready to take any fatal blows to the head. However, Wario, Ganondorf, Bowser, and Wolf all sat in their secluded side, smirks written on their faces.

"20 seconds until we're on air!"

Kael fastened his bow-tie and smiled for the camera.

"10."

Luigi gripped his seat in anxiety and fear.

"9."

Snake hid himself in his box, hoping that none of the fans would notice him.

"8."

Bowser dramatically ate some popcorn chicken that he just ever-so-happened to have.

"7."

Link raised his shield in such a position that it would protect both him and Zelda.

"6."

Lucas attempted to hide by getting eaten by Kirby.

"5."

Kirby then attempted to hide by getting eaten by King Dedede

"4."

Sonic ran in place, mouthing "You're too slow!"

"3."

Ganondorf's smirk remained ever vigilant, increasing in wickedness

"2."

The author wasted more than 15 seconds of your time counting down to 10 seconds. Paradox much?

"1."

"Aaaaannndd... Welcome to Deadly Dares!" Kael announced in his charasmatic voice. The theme song played as the crowd cheered and Captain Falcon's ears bled a little more again. "Boy do we have some juicy dares tonight! So let's get on with our program!"

Kael looked up at the electronic board. "Zelda! Look's like this kid here wants you read Twilight to orphans! Luckily, I installed that nifty catapult yesterday!" He pulled a lever next to him and before anyone could react, Zelda was sent flying out of her seat out of a convinient window, to a small town in Puerto Rico. "Now let's look at that next dare... Ah! Mario! You've been assigned to save Princess Kaya from the Evil Monkey Man from the 9th Dimension! I'm so glad I like to install random things!" He pulled yet another lever, and Mario was sucked into a trans-dimensional portal.

Ganondorf and Bowser snickered. Their evil plan was going exactly as they had wanted it to.

Kael laughed, as well as most of the crowd. "Well, onto our next few dares!"

**Meanwhile in the 9th Dimension**

Mario had found himself in a pitch black room with "World 0-0" writen at the top. "Hello? Is anyone-a there?"

As if he had overheard, a Subspace-Link clone walked to Mario.

"Oh hello! Do you know where Princess Kaya is?" Mario questioned.

Subspace Link shook his head. "No, but I know how you can leave."

"Really? That'd be great-a too! How?" Mario asked.

"You gotta... **DANCE!**"

"What?"

Suddenly, the room lit up, looking much like a Sub-Space like area. All the Sub-Space characters were in the background.

The music started to play and suddenly the Sub-Space Peach scooped Mario into an elegant dance, with the other Sub-Space characters dancing in their own ways as the song "Mamma Mia!" by ABBA started to play

**Due to the fact that typing down the dancing scene would be too pointless, uninteresting, and boring, we'll have Yoshi and Kirby answering reviewer's ****questions instead!**

Yoshi and Kirby sat together in a small, news station-like room. They both smiled for the camera as their mini-series started.

Yoshi clapped happily. "Yoshi yosh Yoshi! Yoshi yosh yoshi yo! Yoshi yosh, yosh yoshi yosh!" (Translation: Welcome to our short "Reviewers' Answers" segment of the story! We reply to some of the generous reviews sent in by YOU, the reviewer! So, we have about 3 minutes until Mario stops dancing, so let's get this segment on!)

"Poyo!" (Translation: Yay!) Kirby exclaimed. He held up a piece of paper with a review scribbled on it and read it out loud. "Poyo poy, poyo poy poy. 'Poyo oyo poy po. Poyo poy, poyo poy poyo poy poyo'yo'. Poyo, poy! Poyo poy yo poy. (Translation: We have one reviewer who wrote "I say Bacon is better than Oreo's! And why is it that business men are always so "powerful" why don't they just take over the world?" Well, the answer is simple! Dominating the entire world would be far too much work! Apparently, enslaving us all is much easier.)

Yoshi nodded holding a similar piece of paper. "Yoshi yosh Yoshi, yosh 'Yoshi yoshi yo! Yoshi Yoshi.' Yosh yoshi yosh!" (Translation: We have another reviewer, who writes "This was great! Can't wait to read more". The author gives his thanks and an invisible cookie to you!)

Kirby glanced at the clock in the corner. "Poyo poy! Poyo poy poy, poyo poy. Poyo poyo poy!" (Translation: Oh my! It seems we're out of time, but don't worry! Stay tuned for "Reviewers' Answers!")

Kirby and Yoshi waved good bye to you generous readers, giving you the warmest smiles you ever did see. A meteor then landed on top of them, squishing their bodies into pancakes.

**Back to your regularly schedueled programming.**

"Oh yes!" Mario said, sticking his fist into the air at the end of the song. "Now that was what I-a call-a good time! Let's do another!"

Sub-Space King Dedede nodded. "Thankfully, Tabuu's still in love with Sophia even after the prequel! So we can do anything we want!" He turned to Sub-Space Pit, who had been DJing the entire time. "Play Track 7!"

Sub-Space Pit obeyed, and snapped his fingers to the next song as the others danced to a random Stevie Wonders song.

**Dare 5**

Kael stared at his stopwatch, which had been ticking for the past 7 minutes.

"And... done!" Kael smiled, taking out a broiled Sonic, Fox, and Wolf out of the cauldron using a french fry strainer. "And that proves that furries CAN be cooked to perfection!" Each smasher was boiled to the point of looking more like KFC $20 specials than their original forms.

**Dare 9**

Jigglypuff armed herself to the tooth and nail with ammo. She had an submachine gun, a rocket launcher, several grenades, and a few pistols for her mission.

"Your mission, whether or not you choose to except it," Kael commanded. "Is to assassinate the president of Antartica in the war-heavy planet of Earth! So long!" Once again, he pulled a lever, and Jigglypuff was sent flying out of the mansion.

"Jigglypuuuuuuuuufff!" She screamed, before turning into a star.

**Dare 12**

Kael handed Peach a boquet of flowers. "Now ask the nice man at the Equstrian Center out on a date for some laughs."

"Umm... I'm kind of involved with Mario right now..." Peach, now in an oversized Eggman costume, said. "And what's an Equestrian Center?"

"Hell if I know." Kael said. This time, he Sparta kicked Peach out of the nearby window.

**Dare 17**

Luigi found himself dangling over a huge pit of molten lava, strapped to the point of helplessness by rope, with a lone rat slowly nibbling at the top. "Why does this always happen to Weegee?" He cried.

"Because no one likes you." Kael replied. "Anyways, our next dare comes from a Fanon-shipper, 'Alexis.' She wants Link and Samus to do an elaborate dance to 'You're the One I Want!'"

"Oh, oh, oh! I got an idea!" Diddy Kong screeched.

"Denied!" Kael yelled, launching Diddy Kong out of seat with the catapult that he used to kick Zelda out.

**Once again, this dance scene is too boring to write. So instead, we shall have Crazy Hand teach us math!**

Crazy Hand waved, sitting in Kirby and Yoshi's mini-series room. The meteor was gone. "Hey kids! I'm Crazy Hand! When the author told me I should help act as a filler for the dance scene, he was drunk! But apparently, he doesn't drink alcohol, so I guess he just wanted me to do because I am so drop-dead sexy. Anyways, let's get started! I'll get my good friend, Lucas to help me!"

Crazy Hand flopped on the ground like a sardine. And then, Lucas appeared in a cloud of rainbow smoke.

"How'd I even get here?" Lucas asked.

"Are you ready kids?" Crazy Hand asked the invisible audience. "Good! One plus one is..." Crazy Hand then stared blankly forward. "WHY LUCAS? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS TORTURE OF MATH?"

"You brought _me _here!" Lucas cried, scared out of his mind.

"LIES!" Crazy Hand roared. "Prepare for 17 hours worth of Internets-related torture!"

"NOOOOOOO!"

**Meanwhile in Puerto Rico**

"I can't understand a word you're saying!" Zelda cried as she conversed with a Peurto Rican orphan.

"Le dije: '¿Por qué tienes orejas tan grandes?" The child repeated. There were about 3 other children near the first child, all talking in other languages.

"Che cosa significa questa parola? Si sono dimenticati di tradurre questa pagina." Another child asked.

An annoyed French child complained. "Hey vieille dame! Tu ne peux pas me comprendre! Hey! Écoutez! Hey! Écoutez-moi! Écoutez!"

"Da er lunsj? Jeg hørte at det skulle pølser og hamburgere, kanskje litt sjokolade kake?" Yet another child asked.

The princess was tired of all the distant language people speaking, because apparently, there was an "International Language Twilight Reading Convention" at her very location. Zelda fell to her knees started to sob. "I'll never find my way home...!"

She then felt a tap on her shoulder. She looked up to see a Japanese man. "You are Zelda-san, yes?" He asked in a distinct Asian accent.

"Yes." She replied, unsure of what this man wanted from her. "Why do you ask?"

Randomly, the Spanish speaking child from before interrupted. "¿Sabes dónde está la tienda más cercana es la comodidad?"

"What?" Zelda asked.

"What?" The Japanese man asked.

"What?" A multi-colored teenage boy asked.

Zelda turned to the new arrival. "Wait, who are you?"

"Oh hey." He replied. "I'm Dave."

"But how'd you get here?" Zelda asked.

"Oh, don't worry about that." Dave repiled. "In fact, I'm not even real."

"What?"

And then Dave disappeared.

"Who was that...?" Zelda questioned.

The original man looked up in curiosity. "Who?"

"Uhh... nevermind. Anyways, who are you again?" Zelda questioned.

"I am your creator, Shigeru Miyamoto, also known as the horrendously bad plot device! I have come to bring you back home!" He cheered.

Zelda raised an eyebrow. "How do I know that-"

"Your birthday is May 2nd in human time, you live in a distant land called 'Hyrule' and are the queen from there, you are currently in a semi-canon relationship with Link, you secretly wear thongs, and once in a while you'll turn bugs diagnosed with lyme disease and rabies into chickens and send them to Ganondorf as a fake fan-gift." Shigeru replied. "But enough about you, you must leave now!"

And suddenly, Zelda was in front of the Smash Mansion.

"What just happened...?" She questioned.

Suddenly, Diddy Kong fell on her head.

"Woops!" The monkey apologized, before running back to the mansion on all fours.

Zelda muttered something about careless monkeys and rude international TV show hosts before entering the mansion herself. She walked up the stairs back into the room that they were doing the show.

She heard some loud, pop-music in the room, placing her ear against the closed door. Oddly enough, no security guards were nearby. However, the only way to see anything in the room was through the door in her way, as there was no windows except for the ones leading outside.

The music stopped, and some real speaking was audioble "Oh babe," She heard a familiar voice. "You're so much better than that bitch I was with before."

Zelda's eyes widened. _Please tell me that's not..._ She slowly opened the door only a inch so she won't alert anyone to her presence. She peeked through the crack and her jaw dropped.

There was her lover, Link, kissing Samus, arms around one another.

Zelda must have forgotten the chain of insane events and the fact that people were being forced to do things against their will, because tears flowed down her face and she ran from the studio, sobbing. Her heart was broken in an instant. She though it was all over with her and Link. Now she was alone...

...

Due to the fact that this is primarily a humor fiction, and not one about pointless, easily solvable dramas, this was quickly counter balanced when an anvil fell on Luigi's head and he started to cry.

"Why does it always happen to Weegee?" He cried again.

Samus and Link pulled away, both spitting out any saliva they may have accidentally transfered. Samus then flipped Link to the ground. Personally, Link was glad most of the Smashers were already preoccupied doing their own dares, for them knowing that he was slammed against the ground by an anorexic bounty hunter was generally not good for publicity.

"Worst kisser ever. What the hell does Zelda see in you?" Samus critizied.

Link then realized something. "Oh gods, Zelda!" He had realized that his lover had yet to return from her prolongued trip from Puerto Rico.

Pit (AKA another bad plot device) walked up to the duo. "Uhh, Link. I just saw Zelda storm out of the mansion into town. You might wanna check up on her, 'cause she was heading to a bar."

"Wait... why?" Link asked.

Pit shrugged. "I don't know. All I heard was something about her cursing your name because you called her a 'bitch' behind her back and made out with a big-boobed blonde."

Samus then threw a convieniently located Smart Bomb at Pit which, needless to say, detonated and fried Pit to a crisp. "Dumbass." She muttered, leaving them.

It wasn't long until Link was out the door. Actually, he ran out the window. 5 flights of stairs would waste too much precious time. Obviously a broken leg and arm is worth about 15 seconds of extra time to get to Zelda; or at least in Link's mind it was. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, he tends to do incredibly stupid things.

Link happened to fall in an inconvienient rose bush instead of the pile of pillows right next to it. He muttered an "ow" and continued his dash, plucking out the thorns along the way. He was determinded to cheer up Zelda and explain what had happened. Her very presence sent a spark in his soul, but if he were to lose her, Link wouldn't know what to do. He had loved her for only a few years, but he didn't see himself stopping at all. He needed her...

...Again, due to the fact that this is a humor fiction and not a Drama/Romance one, an industrial-sized box of taco shells fell on Luigi's head. He cried. Again.

"Why must it always happen to Weegee?" He complained. He thought about it for a moment, then shrugged. "Hey! I think I found my catchphrase!"

Kael, thanks to his hidden security cameras everywhere, saw the entire scene happen. He had put that on air momentarily while the others took a small break. "Haha! I love hidden cameras! Oh the possibilities..."

Ganondorf laughed darkly. "Our plan is coming together!"

All of time froze, then Jigglypuff waved to you, the reader. "Hello! I am Jigglypuff, here to explain what had just occured. You see, the website Kael accepts his dares from is a user-based Forum, similar to the ones on this website. You cannot submit dares without an account, which are free and open to the public. So Bowser, Ganondorf, Wario, and Wolf all set up accounts to submit their own dares to sabotage their rivals, as you can see by Link and Zelda's romance troubles. Kael only picks the best-of-the-best dares, so the villains made sure to make their dares sound incredibly convoluted and clever. Except for Wario, who bluntly wrote 'Let Wario eat everything in the local All-Mart store.' Explanation Jigglypuff: Out!" All of time continued as Jigglypuff remained her usual self.

Some fangirls were shocked at the video, though many others had cheered. One screamed. "YEEEEAAAH! ZeldaxLink is no more! FOREVER!"

"S.T.F.U." Abbreviated one fan. "Zelda and Link are meant for each other! Saying the opposite is like saying... that Zelda and Link _aren't_ meant for each other!"

"FOOLISH MORTAL!" Yelled another particularly insane fangirl. "It's painfully obvious that Zelda belongs with Ike!"

The fans started fighting, both verbally and physically as they screamed and yelled at each other. They threw blunt objects, shot, stabbed, burned, Falcon Punched, kicked, and beat each other up. But they wouldn't give in. They all desperately wanted to get their opinion in on who was dating who. The freaks...

"MarthxZelda Foreves!"

"Screw you all! Link goes with Samus so well!"

"LinkxPeach! LinkxPeach!"

"Samus and Ivysaur!"

Suddenly, everyone in a 25-mile radius became silent and stared at the odd fan who said that.

2 minutes later, a tombstone can be seen in the local graveyard. It read:

**R.I.P. you freak**

**Unknown SamusxIvysaur Shipper**

**By the way, you left the water running at home**

As for the show, it was coming to a close. Samus was dared to constantly say "in bed" after someone would say something, Pit was dared to fill in for the post man and deliver mail to the Smashers, while Fox and Falco were dared to become minions for Wolf. Apparently, the person who sent in these dares seemed to be a zealous Smashtasm fan.

Kael nodded. "Well, I do think that's everything. Tune in next time for a new set of dares!"

"In bed..." Samus interrupted, now in her power suit.

The show ended once more, though the fans continued fighting. Tired of the idiotic fighting, the author, then dropped from the sky, into the studio. "Okay, all of you guys OUT NAO!" he screamed. "I can't concentrate on what to write next with all of your pathetic squabbaling!"

"In bed." Samus continued.

"See? You made me misspell 'Squabbling'!" He shouted.

The fans hissed at him, chanting something about "It's okay my precious...", refering to their couples.

The author sighed. "Okay, bye bye."

A magical portal to the 9th dimension appeared, and all the fangirls were sucked in. Mario was then spat back out, and the portal closed. "Those Sub-Space soldiers are surprisingly good dancers." He said.

The author smiled. "My work here is done. Okay Smashers, carry on." In a cloud of smoke, he vanished back to his home and continued typing.

Samus commented on the statement with "In bed."

Kael snickered. "Well, I guess it's time for me to leave as well. Ciao!" He left the building through the front door like regular people, and zoomed away in his golden limo.

The Smashers exchanged disturbed glances. This was only the beginning...

**Meanwhile**

Zelda glumly looked up at the sign. Attached to the building, it said "Happy Hour: 30% off on all beers! Get your booze on! Man, we were probably drunk when we wrote that catchphrase! Get it?" Perhaps a drink or two would calm her nerves long enough for her to completely forget about that certain someone.

She was about to take a step in, but she noticed a figure coming towards her at inhumane speeds. She turned to face it, recognizing it as Link. She attempted to make a run for it. She was not in the mood to talk with Link. But before she could get even a foot into the bar, she was knocked down by the Hero, with him on top of her. Before she could comprehend what had just happened, Link picked up Zelda and headed into a dimly-light alley for a private conversation. He gently put her down, despite her thrashing and kicking while being held by him.

"What do you want from me now?" Zelda shouted, eyes filled with rage. "It isn't enough that you broke my heart?"

"I wasn't trying to do it intentionally! It was a dare!" He replied, his voice filled with just as much anger as her's.

Zelda stared into Link's eyes angrily. "Did you honestly think I wouldn't catch you?"

"No I didn't because that wasn't even on my mind." Link replied, not breaking the eye contact. "All I wanted to do was make sure I don't get butchered by the executioner."

"It's always about you, isn't it?" Zelda complained. "You know what, I'm glad I caught you and Samus, because I don't want any part of this relationship anymore!"

Link was trying his best not to insult the princess. "So what? You're breaking up with me over one thing I was _forced _to do?"

"Yes and yes. I'd die a million times over for you, but you just couldn't do it once?" Zelda interrogated. "We are thro-" Her rant was interrupted when Link suddenly put his lips on hers, arms around her. She loved that feeling of being in his arms. He pulled away, both of them much calmer now.

"Listen," Link said, his voice much gentler now. "This show is just really getting to us. We don't have to destroy something like this over one damned mistake. I love you, and I'm sorry that I hurt you doing that dare."

Zelda broke the eye contact and looked downwards shamefully. "I guess I did overreact too... I'm sorry I yelled. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't want to let that go."

Link raised Zelda's head up to meet eye contact again. "I hate it when we fight. Even if someone is at fault, it's just not healthy for our relationship."

Zelda wrapped her arms around Link's neck. "Agreed." She said simply, placing a long, passionate kiss on Link's tender lips.

The author had snuck back down to Smashville, blowing his nose. "I'm sorry but that was just beautiful."

Zelda raised an eyebrow. "Shouldn't you be balancing out this romance with odd, random things happening?"

"Oh yeah." The author disappeared again...

...Once again, due to the fact that this is a humor fiction, the remnants of the Titanic fell on Luigi.

"Why does this always happen to Weegee?" He cried.

"In bed." Samus repeated.

Back in the alley, Zelda smiled warmly at Link. "Hey, can we still get a drink? I really need to calm my nerves."

"I guess I'll have one or two myself. This whole show is really getting to me." Link warned.

10 minutes later, the two laid on the floor half-naked and unconscious with an uncountable mountain of empty bottles sitting right next to them.

**Back at the Mansion...**

The villains fiendishly scanned their newly submitted dares. They were mainly made up of diabolical tortures to their rivals, though they were genuinely curious about a few things, so they threw in a few truths in there as well. ("Where DOES Peach keep her frying pan?" Wario asked.)

"And... done!" Bowser said, submitting the dares. "Bwahaha! This plan cannot possibly fail!"

Wario grunted in approval, munching out on a 3 foot-tall garlic sundae.

As long as this evil group kept tormenting the Smashers (more than usual), there would be no hope for them all to work together, let alone defeat Kael. All hope would be lost forever more...

"BOO!" Dave shouted, having suddenly appeared, making Ganondorf scream like a teenage girl. The others laughed at his misfortune. "Haha!"

"Why'd you do that?" Ganondorf angrily yelled, ready to jab the man's eyes out with his fists.

Dave wiped a tear from his eye. "Because it was pretty damn funny!"

Before Ganondorf was ready to punch the living sheet out of Dave, he noticed something. "Wait a second..." Ganondorf asked. "How'd you even get in-"

Dave was gone... again.

"I do not sense a friendly vibe from this..." Ganondorf concluded gravely.

"In bed!" Samus shouted from an adjacent room.

**Will the villains ever be caught by the others? Does Kael have something incredibly dastardly in store for the Smashers? Will anyone ever track down this mysterious "Dave"? Will the author stop being a pussy long enough for him to make Link and Zelda have sex? Probably no to that last one.**

**Tune into the next chapter of Deadly Dares!**

**Estimated Release time: 1-1000 days.**

**PS: There's also a new poll up! Who do you think is better? Ness or Jigglypuff? Answer on the poll on the profile!**


End file.
